Tonight I was just in a funk, not listening to words people were saying directly to me, seeing their mouth move but not hearing the words. I’m sure it came off as rude, probably arrogant, but that wasn’t it. The probably wasn’t that my mind was blank, it was that my mind was full. My mind was full of faces, personalities, laughs, smiles, and memories. My mind was filled with people whom I know and love and have been around for years, some since birth and some for a very short period of time, even meeting them once or twice. These people that I thought about brought a numbing sense to my entire body, I was frozen sitting in a chair with thirty people. These people I was thinking about, are people that I am afraid for, that I am broken for. I sat there wanting to burst out in tears, wanting to yell at the top of my lungs.
By now you’re thinking I was being a diva, over exaggerating, being dramatic, however you want to paint it. However that’s how I felt, it was incredibly sickening the feelings I had as the people flashed through my mind.
Why? Who were these people, why were their faces, laughs, smiles, and memories making me feel sick and sad to the point of not knowing what to do but yell and cry like a 4 year old in the toy aisle. It was people I know, some intimately and some on an incredibly surface level acquaintance, people that I don’t know where they are going. A mentor, boss, co-worker, discussed tonight the feeling that God’s Kingdom is near, just feeling that it seems like He’s coming soon. It was after being in agreement with him that people entered my mind. People that I am not sure where they will be on that day.
Don’t mishear me and take me to believe I am holier than thou and I have punched a ticket to 100% heaven enrollment because I am so unclean and undeserving it’s not even close. But I am saying it, I’ll say it, I’m fearful for some, I’m scared, but most of all I am heartbroken. The idea of not seeing these people in heaven is what was pushing me to the breaking point sitting in that chair. I don’t know if you’ve ever thought about it, I’m not trying to drag anyone down whatsoever. I’m just trying to comprehend these feelings I had.
What I have to ask you, is are you one of those people? Not one of those people that entered my head even, are you one of those people that had your mom or dad had the same process happen in their head, would you be one of those faces, smiles, memories of someone that flashed in their head? You enter the blank of who you think it would be, grandparent, youth pastor, boyfriend/girlfriend, brother, anyone. It hurts, and it breaks my heart. There’s a lot in this little bit to unpack and I can’t do it all or you will be reading all night so I’ll wrap it up quickly.
1. I deeply, truly care, about your salvation. I want to see you in heaven for eternity. Don’t pass this off as, “Austin you don’t even know who is reading this that you are saying it to” because it doesn’t matter. My heart breaks at the thought of not seeing everyone I have known and come in contact with in heaven with the Father for eternity.
2. Maybe you’re feeling like me, scared for that, worried at who you may or may not see in heaven. My question to you is this, my question to myself is this: Am I living loud? Are you living loud? Meaning: Can the people you are coming in contact with, the ones filling your mind and thoughts in this sense, can they see Christ in you, in me?
I have some more on this that I will write on soon, it’ll be a blog overload so get over it, sorry I’m not sorry. I love ya’ll too much to keep it all in. Contact me
Much Love
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