Back in Texas…..
Well, where to begin, that’s a tough one. I’ve been back here in Texas for less than a week and I feel like I have so much and so little to share at the same time. So far, my life has consisted of school, baseball, then getting ready for school. I’m exhausted, and Young Life, New Student Bible Study, and nothing social has really even started…. God help me!
I’m going to try to get right to the point tonight. Try would be the key word in that sentence as you all know, I have a tendency to draw things out.
Since I have been back here for school I have been pretty bitter and upset to be completely honest. And it has nothing to do with being in school or the fact that its 100+ at practice every day. I was SO angry to be leaving home this year, and its been killing me. Some of the frustration has gone away, but when I get to thinking about it, I get worked up all over again.
I know that when everyone has to leave home they have things they don’t want to leave, things they will miss. For me, I absolutely hate saying bye to my family, it kills me every time and for some reason this year was the hardest, it tears me up inside every day and I know that’s a good thing to miss people you care about, but it hurts too. This summer I also hung out with a great group of friends that I was very bummed to leave, even though we are all going back to our respected schools to do our own thing, and that’s awesome. I also had the opportunity to take a certain young lady out on a couple dates, and I developed intimate feelings for her, so being away from that doesn’t help that already existing hurt from family and friends.
I know I have talked about this before so there’s a deeper point.
Church Sunday was something I was really looking forward to, little did I know God had a message that was specifically for me, entitled “Building a Life That Matters, Give Thanks”
The whole sermon was based around the fact that God has taken care of everything in our lives. He has done what needs to be done and He will continue to take care of us because He knows best. Its not worth us complaining or whining about it, because the “struggles” we are having are minimal in comparison to the great things we have in our lives that Christ has given us. This is me right now… God has done great things in my life and He will continue to, and I know that. Yet still, 4 days after that message I am having such a hard time just knowing that God will take care of everything; He will take care of my family till I see them again, doing great things in each of their lives, He will allow my friends to have a great semester filled with ups and downs that will ultimately continue to mold them as people as individuals and us as a group of friends, and He will do what He wants with a possible future relationship in my life.
I KNOW ALL THESE THINGS!!! That’s what makes me feel so selfish and sick to my stomach, because I still can’t let go of the fact that I wish I still had it all with me, right here, not hundreds and thousands of miles away. I’m continuing to pray that God will take care of this anxiety/frustration/confusion in my life. I know that He will take care of it all, but because I am really good with patience, I wish I could see the bigger picture sooner. The other night as I expressed my frustrations to my dad on the phone he said this, “Our timing and God’s timing are rarely the same, but that’s because His time is better than ours.” (Makes me miss him just remembering our conversation as I was broken in my car outside my house here in TX because I wasn’t ready to get out and face that fact that I was here, and that I had to move forward)
My prayer for myself and for those who may feel the same way in some way or another is this: I want all the answers; God already has the answer key. I want things on my time; God’s time is perfect. I don’t know how to fix that discontent; God has all the tools. So for me, and anyone else, its time to let Him do work on my heart. I can only do so much, but He can do everything
God Bless,
Austin
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
How the wind blows
Hey everyone,
I want to apologize beforehand for this blog as well as the last one, I know, kind of sad. Hopefully not too many tears or bad thoughts but I am at that point in the summer where I have to say goodbye to people and prepare to leave for school again (my least favorite week out of the entire year)
So the group of people I have been hanging out with all summer, now down to just 5, 1 friend headed to her school just a few days ago and I think it hit everyone pretty hard. Tonight we were hanging out though, the now 5 of us, and that is where this blog comes from.
We were sitting on top of the roof of my buddies house and it was kind of cold, the wind was blowing and it was near midnight so you can imagine it wasn't the most comfortable thing to be doing at that moment, but we wanted to be doing it. As I sat there I was just enjoying the night, its always nice to step away and look at a bigger picture. I'm confessing right now that I am NOT ready to leave this summer behind, not ready to leave EVERYTHING this summer has meant, and not ready to leave the people here at home. I've been sick to my stomach thinking that its all coming to an end, it seemed like it was just starting up. I'm getting to the point I promise.
I'm a firm believer that its great to have dreams, and more than that, to pursue those dreams with everything you have.... Until God changes those dreams, alters the path, and follows His plan (which lets be honest can be frustrating and confusing) for our lives that may look different than ours. A lot of me going away to school had a lot to do with finding out what God wanted for my life, and I feel like he is constantly showing me that while I am there in Abilene. However this summer, more than any other summer I have had, God has used things, people, events, and even places to make me really challenge my life, my purpose, my future. I'm really trying to to look into the future (bad habit I am identifying AGAIN) but I am in the sense that I am looking at the things in my life that I have and really trying to find what is meant to be "right now."
We sat on the roof and I started to pay attention to the wind, it wasn't constantly blowing in one particular direction, the more I payed attention I felt like it would blow one way, then come back in a completely different direction. I laughed to myself because it felt like my life in a lot of ways. Being in the middle, with the things of my life around me, pushing and pulling, all out there for me just a little bit at a time. Selfishly I have been begging God, numerous times a day, to just push or pull me so hard in the direction of the things He wants me doing, involved in, pursuing, working at. He will, His timing is perfect, but since when have I been completely ok with His timing? I'm working on it, I'm getting there, but its tough. I'm living the little gusts of wind pushing every which way, now I'm just waiting on the one to hit so hard I can't stand still anymore
God Bless,
Austin
I want to apologize beforehand for this blog as well as the last one, I know, kind of sad. Hopefully not too many tears or bad thoughts but I am at that point in the summer where I have to say goodbye to people and prepare to leave for school again (my least favorite week out of the entire year)
So the group of people I have been hanging out with all summer, now down to just 5, 1 friend headed to her school just a few days ago and I think it hit everyone pretty hard. Tonight we were hanging out though, the now 5 of us, and that is where this blog comes from.
We were sitting on top of the roof of my buddies house and it was kind of cold, the wind was blowing and it was near midnight so you can imagine it wasn't the most comfortable thing to be doing at that moment, but we wanted to be doing it. As I sat there I was just enjoying the night, its always nice to step away and look at a bigger picture. I'm confessing right now that I am NOT ready to leave this summer behind, not ready to leave EVERYTHING this summer has meant, and not ready to leave the people here at home. I've been sick to my stomach thinking that its all coming to an end, it seemed like it was just starting up. I'm getting to the point I promise.
I'm a firm believer that its great to have dreams, and more than that, to pursue those dreams with everything you have.... Until God changes those dreams, alters the path, and follows His plan (which lets be honest can be frustrating and confusing) for our lives that may look different than ours. A lot of me going away to school had a lot to do with finding out what God wanted for my life, and I feel like he is constantly showing me that while I am there in Abilene. However this summer, more than any other summer I have had, God has used things, people, events, and even places to make me really challenge my life, my purpose, my future. I'm really trying to to look into the future (bad habit I am identifying AGAIN) but I am in the sense that I am looking at the things in my life that I have and really trying to find what is meant to be "right now."
We sat on the roof and I started to pay attention to the wind, it wasn't constantly blowing in one particular direction, the more I payed attention I felt like it would blow one way, then come back in a completely different direction. I laughed to myself because it felt like my life in a lot of ways. Being in the middle, with the things of my life around me, pushing and pulling, all out there for me just a little bit at a time. Selfishly I have been begging God, numerous times a day, to just push or pull me so hard in the direction of the things He wants me doing, involved in, pursuing, working at. He will, His timing is perfect, but since when have I been completely ok with His timing? I'm working on it, I'm getting there, but its tough. I'm living the little gusts of wind pushing every which way, now I'm just waiting on the one to hit so hard I can't stand still anymore
God Bless,
Austin
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Scattered, random, confusing, call it what you want
Hey everyone, I know it’s been a long time and I do apologize for the delay. There have been a lot of crazy things going on in life and I got caught up in it all. Not bad things, I haven’t fallen off the map or gotten into anything bad (besides staying up till 2-3am every night but even that is for good reason) This blog wont cover the last month in great detail, but something I recently realized that has a lot to do with the last month or so of my life.
The other day my youngest brother and I were running errands and decided to stop by our old house across from the park. I usually just roll by but for some reason I decided to stop the car. My brother later told me, “I could tell you were remembering memories from when we lived there by the way you were looking at the house.” (Note: I had sunglasses on, how he could tell this, beyond me) He was right, flashbacks rushed into my head and made me pretty emotional, my eyes watered but I held it together, I was in front of my baby brother, I had to be tough.
From there I had to drive just down the street to stop by grandmas old house (hard to believe it was nearly ten years ago that she passed away) before leaving that area of Albuquerque. This is when the emotional teary-eyed twenty year old lost it. I’ve driven by her house so many times without that being my reaction, but something clicked the other day, and I had to try to catch the tears running down from under my sunglasses so that my brother wouldn’t catch on.
That night I had dinner with my family, just a good family dinner on the back porch where we got to sit down, relax, and just enjoy each other for a couple hours, just talking. From there I went to hang out with a group of friends that I have become very close to this summer, five of them in fact, that have given me a lot of perspective on life. It has been reoccurring thoughts that we would all go our separate ways here in the next couple weeks, not something any of us are looking forward to. For the obvious reasons yes, but what I realized this specific night finally came full circle after hanging out with this group of friends.
For the longest time I have had a major problem with worrying about what the future holds, wanting to know what is going to happen with a certain area of my life, or saying, “I just want to know what is going to happen so that I can be prepared.” What I realized is this; I’ll put the pieces together here in an easy to follow way.
1st stop was my old house: Memories of my childhood flooded my head and I realized where I had come from, how I was raised, things I did to get me to be where I am today.
2nd stop was Grandma’s old house: Typically where I spent my time if I wasn’t home, where a woman (my grandmother) wanted nothing more than to just have us in her house, close to her. What I realized that day, is how much I still miss her. She was one of the most influential women in my life at such an early age that it still has an impact on me today.
3rd event was dinner: I sat around the table with a family that the world would say is doing just fine, and I realized this IS who I am, right now, in this day, I am what my family is, we are alike in many ways and I’m so thankful that I will ALWAYS have that, no matter what.
4th event was hanging out with some friends: That night I looked at the faces of the people in the group and realized how I cared about each of them individually and all together. The one thing they have taught me is that this is today, not tomorrow, not yesterday, it’s what you are doing right now that matters, so make the most of it.
So 1. Process of growing up, learning 2. Letting someone close to you is scary to me now, but it’s worth it. 3. Who I am today, what I have, what I will always have. 4. Don’t worry about the future, enjoy today, and make the most of every moment.
I know this is random and probably doesn’t make sense, but if you know me it might, I don’t know.
I was reminded when I was asked to speak to the youth group at my church just last Sunday about something that hangs around my neck on a necklace my parents gave me when they dropped me off in Abilene. It’s Jer. 29:11 which reads, “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
I had gotten away from that this summer a bit in more ways than I would like to admit. But I was refocused by a day that took me from my past to my present that ended in a reminder to focus on today, because that’s what is important now. God has the future under control. Yeah I have some strong suggestions I’d like to pass on, but He’s got some of His own, and He knows much better than I do. I’m ok with that. So whether its school, sports, girls, career, etc. I have to take a step back and remember that I’m not in control, as much as I do or as hard as I try to be, I’m not. Thank goodness, I would severely screw things up! Again sorry for the random jumping all over the place, hopefully you got something out of this, if you want to hear more, “you have my contact information.”
God Bless
Austin
The other day my youngest brother and I were running errands and decided to stop by our old house across from the park. I usually just roll by but for some reason I decided to stop the car. My brother later told me, “I could tell you were remembering memories from when we lived there by the way you were looking at the house.” (Note: I had sunglasses on, how he could tell this, beyond me) He was right, flashbacks rushed into my head and made me pretty emotional, my eyes watered but I held it together, I was in front of my baby brother, I had to be tough.
From there I had to drive just down the street to stop by grandmas old house (hard to believe it was nearly ten years ago that she passed away) before leaving that area of Albuquerque. This is when the emotional teary-eyed twenty year old lost it. I’ve driven by her house so many times without that being my reaction, but something clicked the other day, and I had to try to catch the tears running down from under my sunglasses so that my brother wouldn’t catch on.
That night I had dinner with my family, just a good family dinner on the back porch where we got to sit down, relax, and just enjoy each other for a couple hours, just talking. From there I went to hang out with a group of friends that I have become very close to this summer, five of them in fact, that have given me a lot of perspective on life. It has been reoccurring thoughts that we would all go our separate ways here in the next couple weeks, not something any of us are looking forward to. For the obvious reasons yes, but what I realized this specific night finally came full circle after hanging out with this group of friends.
For the longest time I have had a major problem with worrying about what the future holds, wanting to know what is going to happen with a certain area of my life, or saying, “I just want to know what is going to happen so that I can be prepared.” What I realized is this; I’ll put the pieces together here in an easy to follow way.
1st stop was my old house: Memories of my childhood flooded my head and I realized where I had come from, how I was raised, things I did to get me to be where I am today.
2nd stop was Grandma’s old house: Typically where I spent my time if I wasn’t home, where a woman (my grandmother) wanted nothing more than to just have us in her house, close to her. What I realized that day, is how much I still miss her. She was one of the most influential women in my life at such an early age that it still has an impact on me today.
3rd event was dinner: I sat around the table with a family that the world would say is doing just fine, and I realized this IS who I am, right now, in this day, I am what my family is, we are alike in many ways and I’m so thankful that I will ALWAYS have that, no matter what.
4th event was hanging out with some friends: That night I looked at the faces of the people in the group and realized how I cared about each of them individually and all together. The one thing they have taught me is that this is today, not tomorrow, not yesterday, it’s what you are doing right now that matters, so make the most of it.
So 1. Process of growing up, learning 2. Letting someone close to you is scary to me now, but it’s worth it. 3. Who I am today, what I have, what I will always have. 4. Don’t worry about the future, enjoy today, and make the most of every moment.
I know this is random and probably doesn’t make sense, but if you know me it might, I don’t know.
I was reminded when I was asked to speak to the youth group at my church just last Sunday about something that hangs around my neck on a necklace my parents gave me when they dropped me off in Abilene. It’s Jer. 29:11 which reads, “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
I had gotten away from that this summer a bit in more ways than I would like to admit. But I was refocused by a day that took me from my past to my present that ended in a reminder to focus on today, because that’s what is important now. God has the future under control. Yeah I have some strong suggestions I’d like to pass on, but He’s got some of His own, and He knows much better than I do. I’m ok with that. So whether its school, sports, girls, career, etc. I have to take a step back and remember that I’m not in control, as much as I do or as hard as I try to be, I’m not. Thank goodness, I would severely screw things up! Again sorry for the random jumping all over the place, hopefully you got something out of this, if you want to hear more, “you have my contact information.”
God Bless
Austin
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