Back in TX....

Back in Texas…..

Well, where to begin, that’s a tough one. I’ve been back here in Texas for less than a week and I feel like I have so much and so little to share at the same time. So far, my life has consisted of school, baseball, then getting ready for school. I’m exhausted, and Young Life, New Student Bible Study, and nothing social has really even started…. God help me!
I’m going to try to get right to the point tonight. Try would be the key word in that sentence as you all know, I have a tendency to draw things out.
Since I have been back here for school I have been pretty bitter and upset to be completely honest. And it has nothing to do with being in school or the fact that its 100+ at practice every day. I was SO angry to be leaving home this year, and its been killing me. Some of the frustration has gone away, but when I get to thinking about it, I get worked up all over again.
I know that when everyone has to leave home they have things they don’t want to leave, things they will miss. For me, I absolutely hate saying bye to my family, it kills me every time and for some reason this year was the hardest, it tears me up inside every day and I know that’s a good thing to miss people you care about, but it hurts too. This summer I also hung out with a great group of friends that I was very bummed to leave, even though we are all going back to our respected schools to do our own thing, and that’s awesome. I also had the opportunity to take a certain young lady out on a couple dates, and I developed intimate feelings for her, so being away from that doesn’t help that already existing hurt from family and friends.
I know I have talked about this before so there’s a deeper point.
Church Sunday was something I was really looking forward to, little did I know God had a message that was specifically for me, entitled “Building a Life That Matters, Give Thanks”
The whole sermon was based around the fact that God has taken care of everything in our lives. He has done what needs to be done and He will continue to take care of us because He knows best. Its not worth us complaining or whining about it, because the “struggles” we are having are minimal in comparison to the great things we have in our lives that Christ has given us. This is me right now… God has done great things in my life and He will continue to, and I know that. Yet still, 4 days after that message I am having such a hard time just knowing that God will take care of everything; He will take care of my family till I see them again, doing great things in each of their lives, He will allow my friends to have a great semester filled with ups and downs that will ultimately continue to mold them as people as individuals and us as a group of friends, and He will do what He wants with a possible future relationship in my life.
I KNOW ALL THESE THINGS!!! That’s what makes me feel so selfish and sick to my stomach, because I still can’t let go of the fact that I wish I still had it all with me, right here, not hundreds and thousands of miles away. I’m continuing to pray that God will take care of this anxiety/frustration/confusion in my life. I know that He will take care of it all, but because I am really good with patience, I wish I could see the bigger picture sooner. The other night as I expressed my frustrations to my dad on the phone he said this, “Our timing and God’s timing are rarely the same, but that’s because His time is better than ours.” (Makes me miss him just remembering our conversation as I was broken in my car outside my house here in TX because I wasn’t ready to get out and face that fact that I was here, and that I had to move forward)
My prayer for myself and for those who may feel the same way in some way or another is this: I want all the answers; God already has the answer key. I want things on my time; God’s time is perfect. I don’t know how to fix that discontent; God has all the tools. So for me, and anyone else, its time to let Him do work on my heart. I can only do so much, but He can do everything


God Bless,
Austin

How the wind blows

Hey everyone,

I want to apologize beforehand for this blog as well as the last one, I know, kind of sad. Hopefully not too many tears or bad thoughts but I am at that point in the summer where I have to say goodbye to people and prepare to leave for school again (my least favorite week out of the entire year)
So the group of people I have been hanging out with all summer, now down to just 5, 1 friend headed to her school just a few days ago and I think it hit everyone pretty hard. Tonight we were hanging out though, the now 5 of us, and that is where this blog comes from.
We were sitting on top of the roof of my buddies house and it was kind of cold, the wind was blowing and it was near midnight so you can imagine it wasn't the most comfortable thing to be doing at that moment, but we wanted to be doing it. As I sat there I was just enjoying the night, its always nice to step away and look at a bigger picture. I'm confessing right now that I am NOT ready to leave this summer behind, not ready to leave EVERYTHING this summer has meant, and not ready to leave the people here at home. I've been sick to my stomach thinking that its all coming to an end, it seemed like it was just starting up. I'm getting to the point I promise.
I'm a firm believer that its great to have dreams, and more than that, to pursue those dreams with everything you have.... Until God changes those dreams, alters the path, and follows His plan (which lets be honest can be frustrating and confusing) for our lives that may look different than ours. A lot of me going away to school had a lot to do with finding out what God wanted for my life, and I feel like he is constantly showing me that while I am there in Abilene. However this summer, more than any other summer I have had, God has used things, people, events, and even places to make me really challenge my life, my purpose, my future. I'm really trying to to look into the future (bad habit I am identifying AGAIN) but I am in the sense that I am looking at the things in my life that I have and really trying to find what is meant to be "right now."
We sat on the roof and I started to pay attention to the wind, it wasn't constantly blowing in one particular direction, the more I payed attention I felt like it would blow one way, then come back in a completely different direction. I laughed to myself because it felt like my life in a lot of ways. Being in the middle, with the things of my life around me, pushing and pulling, all out there for me just a little bit at a time. Selfishly I have been begging God, numerous times a day, to just push or pull me so hard in the direction of the things He wants me doing, involved in, pursuing, working at. He will, His timing is perfect, but since when have I been completely ok with His timing? I'm working on it, I'm getting there, but its tough. I'm living the little gusts of wind pushing every which way, now I'm just waiting on the one to hit so hard I can't stand still anymore

God Bless,
Austin